There was no better time for grandfather to go than when I last saw him about a week ago: lying in bed, barely able to open an eye to greet us and at times unable to recognize or remember any of us. There was one time -as his hazy eyes were looking down, as if searching for a listener- when he said that he was dying. That was a rare moment wherein death was welcomed, and not supposed to be avoided anymore.
I am most afraid of dying when I think of it deep in the night, like when I cannot sleep. My thoughts wander and sometimes end up on the subject of death - mine or a loved one. I make up scenarios and wonder how it would feel like and how to deal with it.
It maybe that the darkness and the eerie silence evokes tremendous fear and sets a depressing mood in the same way that the brightness of the early morning sun and the promise of a new day affects my view of the same subject positively - accepting the inevitable: that no one is spared in experiencing his own end-of-life on earth..and that, for me, is fair.
I won’t complain if everything is fair. If love makes the world spin, then I personally believe that justice runs life. A person’s natural justice-seeking tendencies and being perpetually vigilant to fairplay guarantees him and his neighbors peace and security in going about each own’s business. Check and balance is the name of the game. Quite incidentally, people start sharpening their sensitivity to fairness early in life - I always notice how used up the word "madaya" is to a group of little children playing. I hear more of it and other word variants from grown-ups.
Anyway, back to the topic.
On the average, I don’t see death as a sad and frightening event in life…if it happens to me. But if it befalls to a loved one, then it becomes a sad and frightening event. (Well, of course, how else is it going to be more logical? When I’m dead I won’t feel anymore any of the earthly emotions whereas I would be emotionally wrecked as a survivor.)
Outside of my religious belief, there are two clues that convinced me there is life after death: First is conciousness. If there is smoke there is fire: The fact that I have the capacity to ask where I’m going means that there is something more after this mundane life. Whether by chance or by design, the belief or unbelief of the afterlife have a profound effect on the path people take in life. If I were to believe in evolution, it would be odd to think that throughout history humans have been flourishing due partly by holding-on to a belief on something that is not true. If it were a lie, This species should not have been thriving, as it is now. Why would a lie be programmed to my brain and play a major part in my survival? While the defiance of an unbelieving person seems to be more of an act of rebellion against, and which only confirm, the undeniable certainty of the afterlife.
Second, still on conciousness: What is the point of being aware that I exist if in the end I’ll be turned-off like a t.v. - back to the state of being before I was born, which was, well, nothing? What was the time between birth and death, or as man calls it existence, all about, if, when I die, it would be it…as if nothing happened? What is the point of being concious of my existence?
It is at this point that religion gives meaning to a person’s awareness of existence. As a Christian, I have embraced the ‘reward and punishment’ scheme which teaches that, in the end, all people will be judged according to their deeds on earth and that moment when one will be aware and be able to remember the things he had done will be the moment that the significance of awareness of one’s existence will be understood.
Some agnostics offer a different view. They are convinced that they are god themselves, who, in human form, unleashed himself in a 3-dimensional world where everything -even the people he interacts with- are all created by him, which means that only he exist. The question now is why would he do that? maybe, all the experiences he will gain from this are for his own personal growth (or for some other personal benifits that I don’t know of). But then, this type of mind will most likely go back to the mainstream view of existence when faced with imminent death, because then, he will realize that he’s no different from everyone else, for death is the great equalizer. Too late for that person, though, if the promise of salvation through Jesus Christ turns out to be true, after all. .
